Christmas after divorce can be a complicated affair.
Both parents will want to see their children on the big day.
This may mean that your kids spend half the day with you and half with your ex, or that you don’t get to see your children on the 25th at all. Whatever the case, Christmas after divorce is inevitably less-than-ideal, and can leave you feeling hollow and resentful.
While some sense of loss is inescapable, there are a few ways to navigate Christmas after divorce that will make the day as merry as possible for you and your kids.
Plan with your ex early
It is vital that you and your ex are able to reach an agreement about Christmas Day early so that you aren’t feeling up in the air. Schedule a time to see your kids on the big day, or arrange an alternate celebration on Boxing Day when you get to do Christmas all over again with your children. Be flexible when making these arrangements and try to see things from your ex’s perspective as well as your own. Although it can hurt to be away from your children on Christmas, you ultimately want to do what is best for them. If this means delaying your time with them for an extra 24 hours, it may be a sacrifice that you have to make.
Be mindful of grandparents
As much as separation and divorce impacts you as a parent, it will also affect grandparents – grandmothers and grandfathers alike want to spoil their grandkids, and having this possibility eliminated can be crushing. Take this into account when making your Christmas arrangements, and be mindful when it comes to your ex-partner’s parents. Even if you didn’t get along with your ex-inlaws, the pain of being disconnected from a grandchild is akin to that you are feeling yourself.
Prepare your children for Christmas after divorce
If your kids are young or your separation is recent, they can become confused when mum or dad isn’t around on Christmas morning. As such, it is important to have a conversation with your kids in advance about your plans for the day. You may need to have this conversation more than once, but be patient. Your children are feeling just as muddled as you are right now, so cut them some slack if they ask the same question three times over.
Don’t make Christmas after divorce a competition
Across Christmas after divorce, it is natural to want your kids to love you and to enjoy spending time with you. But if you’re not careful, this need could quickly lead you into a competition with your ex in which you try to out-do each other.
Put simply, competing for your children’s love at Christmas can only end badly. Not only will buying a bigger and better present than agreed upon create conflict between you and your ex, but also forge false expectations in your kids that aren’t sustainable. Communicate with your ex about the presents you each plan to buy the kids, and try to reach some level of equality where one of you isn’t constantly out-doing the other. This will save both of your feelings in the long run – at the end of the day you want your kids to be looking forward to Christmas for the family time, not purely for the gifts they receive.
Let go of resentment
If you are apart from your kids at Christmas after divorce, or only get to see them for a moment in the day, it is natural to become sad, angry, jealous, or frustrated. It can cause you to dive straight back into the negativity of your separation and to resent the festive season, rather than enjoy it – everyone else is having a regular family Christmas, and here you are unable to spend the day with your kids. Although it may all seem unfair, clinging to these toxic emotions will do nothing to help anyone.
Like it or not, you are better off pulling yourself out of your rut and focussing on the positives in your day. Make the best of the situation by joining friends, volunteering at a shelter or simply treating yourself to your favourite meal.
Keep it simple at Christmas after divorce. Try to enjoy the day – whether you see your kids or not.
