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Shared parenting is a process of constant adjustment.
You need to relate to your ex as a co-parent, rather than a romantic partner. This transition can be difficult to make – especially when tension still exists. Kids need to know that they are loved unconditionally and should never feel as though they are caught in a battle between their parents. For this reason, you have to be committed to making shared parenting work. How can you navigate your ongoing (and at times unwanted) attachment to your ex-partner without affecting your children’s well-being?
Here are our tips for making shared parenting a success.
Re-examine your relationship with your ex
Before you can become a positive role model for your children, you must reconcile your own feelings about your separation. Although your ex may not be the person you thought they were, coming to grips with the person they have become will allow the exchanges between you to run as smoothly as possible.
You may initially find it difficult to envision how to shared parent. One way to conceptualise your relationship with your ex-partner is as teammates. Just like those on the sporting field, this relationship is built on respect for each other. A positive relationship that revolves around working together to achieve a mutual goal will ensure your children’s well-being, even if interpersonal issues are never resolved.
Ease yourself into shared parenting
Shared parenting arrangements may stir up feelings of anger, heartache or frustration – emotions that can easily create a volatile situation. If you feel as though an encounter with your ex may quickly deteriorate, it is important to ease yourself into communication. Spend a few minutes when handing the kids over to tell you ex about the activities you did, or discuss the plans you have in store when you pick your kids up. This conversation is easy to maintain and will also allow your children to participate in a positive exchange with both parents.
If maintaining a civil exchange with your ex-partner is unachievable, a respectful greeting whenever you cross paths will ease you into speaking to your ex again. Becoming conversational during shared parenting is a process that will take time – just be patient and you will get there!
Be strategic about shared parenting
While keeping your exchanges civil around your children is pertinent, it is also crucial to keep other discussions as subdued as possible. Avoiding conflict between the two of you in private will make maintaining neutrality around your children a lot easier!
- For those sticky conversations, pick a location like a cafe or popular park – an argument is less likely to break out between you while you are in view of others. Make sure you also take a list of things you need to discuss with you to a meeting. That way, you will be able to stay on topic and avoid unnecessary confrontation.
If a face-to-face conversation is not possible, try to speak to each other on the phone when the kids aren’t home.
- If your children are around while you are on the phone and things heat up, moving to the next room won’t suffice – those wandering feet and ears of children will make it easy for you to be overhead. Better safe than sorry!
Keep your ex-partner in the loop.
- If you make plans to go away with the children, let them know. If your child has a school function on and you have received the reminder, make sure your ex also gets an invite. If you are running late to a hand-over of the children, give them a call. Keeping your ex informed will consolidate your ability to work together as a team and make it more likely that they will return the courtesy down the track.
