Conflict is inevitable in relationships. What makes a relationship sustainable is your ability to compromise with your partner.

Do you shy away from conflict when it arises?

Do your disagreements usually end in tears rather than resolutions?

Do you feel like decisions always fall to you?

Or do you barely have a say when it comes to choosing which movie to watch or which car to buy?

Learning how to compromise with your partner is an essential part of being in a functional relationship, but also one of the most difficult aspects to master – especially when you are right all the time!

Here are our tips for perfecting compromise with your partner.

Throw out your assumptions

Regardless of how long you and your spouse have been together, you can never be truly sure of what the other is thinking or feeling. People grow and change, and your partner’s opinions or circumstances may not be the same now as they were 6 months ago.

Don’t make a decision that affects each of you by assuming that “this is what they would want”, and don’t dismiss an unexpected point of view as a “throwaway comment”. You can’t read minds, nor can you control what your partner thinks or feels – instead you have to be open to surprises, and the compromises that accompany them.

Understand the issue

If you and your partner are having a disagreement, it is important to make sure that you really know where the problem lies before moving forward.

Your partner may be frustrated that you have swooped in and taken over the washing up when they were already half-done – but is your questionable timing at the heart of the problem? Or is the real issue that your partner feels like you constantly take credit for the work that they do around the house?

Make sure that the topic you are communicating about is actually where your disagreement lies. If it isn’t, however you compromise with your partner will ultimately miss the mark.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes

When we are convinced of the legitimacy of our own argument, it can be difficult to see why we should look at things from another angle. However, putting the shoe on the other foot can help you to see where your partner is coming from, and can also illuminate some ideas that you hadn’t previously thought of. More importantly, considering your partner’s perspective is a fundamental part of being in a relationship – you are a team, and need to work as one even when you don’t agree.

The big three

Couples compromise constantly – from deciding what to have for dinner to how to parent their children. But there are three main areas in which conflict can take over if you don’t effectively compromise with your partner.

Housework

An uneven distribution of housework can create problems in your relationship in terms of resentment or feelings of under-appreciation. As such, it is important to even it out your workloads – or at least compromise when it comes to the tasks that you each despise. Alternate whose turn it is to clean the bathroom, or create a cleaning schedule where you each choose the jobs you like and split those you hate evenly. These simple compromises can help to resolve conflict and maintain feelings of unity.

Downtime

Everyone needs a few moments alone – major issues can surface when one spouse feels like they never get a moment’s peace by comparison to the other. Agree to allocate regular time-outs from parenting, work and domestic responsibilities for each other. Take the kids out while your partner sleeps in, or assume responsibility for the ironing while your significant other has a friends day. This give and take will create time for each of you to relax, and make you both happier together.

Money

When you begin to consider cohabiting or combining your finances with a partner, your respective spending habits can become a serious problem. Spending a significant amount of money without your partner’s approval is a sure way to create conflict – even if the purchase was necessary. To avoid this, compromise your financial freedom by creating a spending threshold with your partner, and make it a rule that any purchase greater than this amount must be agreed on by the both of you. This will avoid feelings of betrayal while still giving you some autonomy with your money.

Balancing act

Compromises are rarely even, and usually still favour one side over another. But just because a compromise is unequal doesn’t mean it’s unacceptable. Instead, it is exactly what compromise is: a process of give and take. You may not be thrilled by all of the compromises that you make, but these instances will be balanced out in the long run by compromises that go your way.

Compromise isn’t about winning – don’t make it a competition.