Photo Credit: Ryan Dickey

You have just arrived home after a long day at work. The sink is full of dishes, the kids haven’t showered and the first thing your partner asks is, “What’s for dinner?”.

Before you know it, you and your partner are in a back-and-forth screaming match.

“I could ask you the same question! You couldn’t even cut up the veges?! THE VEGES!”

Yep, we have all been there on occasions…the fight may have been over how your significant other treats you around their friends, your own problems with punctuality, or even the type of soap you bought.

The good news?

Many psychologists interpret fighting, in small doses, as healthy in long-term relationships. At least you are getting the frustration out rather than allowing it to pile up!

But…

That doesn’t mean that making up after a fight is easy.

Here’s how to make up after a fight with your partner.

Focus on making amends

When making up after a fight, it is important to shift focus away from the source of previous conflict. Try not to revert back to an argument about who was right or wrong, or defend your position. Rather than trying to get the last word, focus on fixing the problem.

Don’t run away

Exiting an intense situation before it is resolved will only exacerbate the bad air between you and your partner.

Instead of the “I’m out” approach, it is better to take a “time-out” approach. If you feel like the situation between you both is escalating, request a time-out from the conversation, but agree to resume talking in 10 minutes. This will still give you a moment to cool off and think about how to make up after a fight. At the same time, it will prevent you from churning thoughts in your mind for too long and building resentment.

Lead by example

There may not be an innocent party in your fight. You may be guilty of snapping at your partner; of bringing up past events; even of raising your voice.  Often, we are hurt by the wrongdoings of our partner, and make a vow not to apologise for our own indiscretions before they apologise for theirs. However, admitting your own wrongdoings can open the floor for your spouse’s own apology.

Of course, this advice does not apply to every situation. Don’t feel that you should apologise for something that you didn’t do. But if you find yourself in a stalemate with your partner over an argument about dishes, it might be time to be the bigger person.

Look beneath the surface

You really wanted your partner to chop up the veges before you got home, and just can’t get over the fact that they didn’t even wash the potatoes. It takes five minutes for goodness sake!

But…are you really mad about the veges? Or is the potato a metaphor for something else that’s bugging you?

Are you feeling underappreciated, undervalued, or as though you are both drifting apart?

Knowing how to make up after a fight means knowing what the fight was really about.

Acknowledge this, consider what’s weighing on your mind and talk it out. It is always better to air issues rather than allowing them to snowball.

Have some fun

After resolving conflict, there can still be some awkwardness in the air.

To combat this bad energy, remind each other why you are together. Go for a walk, watch a movie, dance to your favourite song or simply hug it out. This will change the atmosphere between you both and restore balance to your lives.

Need more information on how to make up after a fight?

Relationships Australia offer a range of online resources and in person programs to help you understand how to make up after a fight.

Remember, there is a big difference between an everyday tiff and domestic abuse.

If you are in a domestic or family violence situation, see our Counselling and Crisis Support Services page, or call 000 immediately.

The Clarity Road Team