How would you respond, right now, if your boss asked you to complete some extra work from home tonight even though you had planned an evening with your kids?

If your friend asked you to a social event that you have no interest in attending?

If you were requested by the P&C president to take over while she goes away for a month?

Would you know how to say no?

Although your inner self may be screaming out that the extra commitment is the last thing you need right now, before you know it, you are nodding your head and agreeing that “Yes, sure, I’d love to sew 30 Christmas stockings for my child’s class over the weekend.”

And soon enough you are parked in your lounge room with pricked fingers resenting yourself and everyone around you for the non-event your day off has turned out to be.

While saying “yes” may please the person who is asking, it also means saying “no” to other people in your life – often to yourself and the ones you love.  It is important to strike a balance between pleasing others and making yourself happy.

Here are our tips on how to say no.

Why is saying no so hard?

There are a few competing factors which make saying no seem utterly out of the question at times.

We want to be helpful

When confronted by someone in need of assistance, most of us genuinely want to help in any way possible. It is easy to get lost in a cause and demote our own priorities as secondary to those of others.

We want to avoid conflict

Sometimes there exists a lingering fear that saying no may cause a rift between you and the person who has asked for your help, your presence or your time.

You may feel that turning someone away means you will owe them big time down the track, or that they will take your response to heart as a direct reflection of your opinion of them as a person.

In the end, saying “yes” can feel like the only certain way to avoid conflict.

We don’t want to appear rude

Put simply, saying no to somebody can feel downright rude – after all, they have come to you for a reason.

They enjoy your company enough to invite you to their murder mystery party; they think highly enough of your skills with kids to ask you to coach the soccer team.

The awareness of ourselves that being called upon creates often makes saying “yes” feel like the only option.

When to say no

Of course, we are not advising you to shut up shop and turn down every request that comes your way. It feels good to say yes to a philanthropic endeavour or a late night out with your friends once in a while!

What we do recommend is finding balance.

Figuring out where to devote your attention is a difficult task when you have multiple opportunities and commitments on your plate. Below are a few tactics that you can use to determine which areas of your life deserve your focus.

Stress factor

When assessing a request, always keep in mind the mental strain the added task represents. Is the commitment short or long term? What level of responsibility does it require you to take on? Is this extra stress compatible with your present lifestyle?

While taking on some responsibility keeps you feeling purposeful and energised, overloading yourself can quickly leave you feeling exhausted – physically and emotionally.

Determine your priorities

What do you value most in life? Family? Friends? Work? Pets? Seeing a movie on a Friday night?

Everyone’s values will be different, and who and what you say no to will depend on where these values lie. Decide whether or not you view a new commitment or opportunity as important; as in keeping with your personal values. If it is, then say yes. If not, say no.

Give it time

It is easy to say yes in the heat of the moment – and to kick yourself twenty times later once you realise the full impact of your agreement. So if you aren’t sure how to respond to a request, don’t be afraid to ask for some time to mull it over. Giving yourself the chance to really think about your situation will allow you to thoroughly consider your priorities before over-committing.

How to say no

Keep it simple

When you say no, make it honest, short and sweet. The more you try to create excuses, the more likely you are to dig a hole for yourself; to wind up saying yes anyway. Simply stating that you don’t have the time or that you have other priorities in your life will suffice. After all, how you live your life is ultimately up to you.

Request a rain-check

If you earnestly do want to accept an offer, but simply have too much on your plate at present, ask if you can speak again in a day, a week or a month’s time when everything has calmed down a little in your world. Any reasonable person will understand that everyone has busy periods and won’t hold it against you!

Suggest another option

If you say no to an event but have another person in mind who would genuinely be happy to attend, suggest them as someone who could go in your place. Similarly, if you have been asked to run a stall at the school fete but don’t have the day to spare, offer to contribute by baking some biscuits instead. Offering a compromise will soften the blow of your decline and may also provide a genuine solution to the problem!

Remember that regardless of how hard you try, you won’t ever be able to please everybody – do what makes you happy!