Photo Credit: Stephan Hochhaus

Introducing your children to a new partner is a tricky process to navigate. 

Being introduced to your new partner’s children is arguably more difficult.

Will they like me? Will I like them? Am I cut out for kids in my life? What does this mean for my relationship?

Questions like these are bound to run through your head – and quite rightly!

When you parent a child yourself, you have 9 months to prepare yourself mentally for all that parenting entails. But if you fall for someone with children already you don’t get this grace period – you are thrown headfirst into the perils of parenting with children who are already walking and talking back!

Here are our tips for introducing yourself to the biggest person in your partner’s life: their child.

Talk to your partner first

Before deciding on a serious relationship with a person with children, it is important to communicate honestly about your intentions and your ability to accept children into your life.

Don’t meet the children of your partner until you are completely sure that it is the step you want to take: that parenting is a responsibility you are ready to take on.

Take it slow

Especially after the separation or divorce of their biological parents, children can be sensitive to change. Throwing a new parental figure into their lives is a big deal which can overwhelm kids easily.

Rather than invading their life, ease yourself into the picture gradually. Plan your first few outings in a location outside of the family home, like a theme park or playground, so that the child does not feel as though you are taking over their space.

Progressively increase the length and the frequency of your appearances as time goes on to allow children to feel comfortable in your presence.

Be honest

If kids ask what your relationship to your partner is, don’t beat around the bush. Be up front about the fact that you are seeing each other – but keep it age appropriate!

Pretending that you and your partner are long-lost friends or co-workers will start your relationship with children on a foundation of deception. While this may seem harmless at first, you may pay for it later through lack of trust.

One-on-one time

Once your partner’s children have grown accustomed to your presence, try to schedule a few one-on-one days with them where you can get to know each other as individuals.

They need to see you not as somebody who is only being nice to them just because of your relationship with their parent. You need to be somebody who is generally interested in them as well.

Expect rebellion

Regardless of the closeness of your relationship with your partner’s children, there will inevitably be moments of rebellion.

While comments like “You can’t tell me what to do!” and “You’re not my real mum/dad!” are hurtful, when you put yourself in your stepchild’s shoes, they are also understandable in moments of frustration. Yes, some kids may exploit this more than others to really pull at your heartstrings, but don’t be deterred by these statements.

Ultimately, all you can do is love and care for children – they will come around eventually!

Respect the relationship between parent and child

Although you will become a big part of your stepchildren’s lives, it is important to acknowledge their primary bond with their biological parent.

No matter how close you become, kids will still need some time alone to speak to their biological parent about their feelings and to maintain a connection.

Don’t be offended if they have conversations to which you aren’t privy, and even consider making yourself scarce every now and then to facilitate a bit of parent-child bonding time. The stronger their connection, the stronger you will be as a family.

Consider the kids, as well as yourself

Once you have introduced yourself to your partner’s children, you immediately take on a new level of responsibility.

Your actions no longer only affect you – the wellbeing of your partner and the kids must also be taken into account in everything you do. You may need to revise your spending, social and even working habits in order to make sure that you are the best role model you can be.

Don’t try to replace a parent

When all is said and done, it is ultimately up to the children to determine how they want you to fit into their lives. Trying to replace their mother or father will be futile, and may even lead to more rebellion on the child’s part.

Don’t force it – just let it happen.