In times of personal crisis it can take all of your effort to keep your head together. Sometimes, you just need to come undone.
But when you are a parent, you can’t do that. You feel like you have to keep going for your kids, at all costs.
Julie has been there – below are her tips for parenting through crisis.
Reaching crisis point
We can each hit a point of crisis for different reasons, in different ways. A crisis may be brought on by an ongoing physical or mental illness. It could be the result of marriage breakdown, bereavement, financial strain or workplace problems. New parents may be undone by a child who doesn’t stop crying, while parents of teenagers may fall into crisis when they feel like they can’t relate to their kids as they grow.
Whatever the case, parenting through crisis is characterised by feelings of guilt and inadequacy. We become overwhelmed by responsibility and convinced that the job we are doing isn’t good enough. You may feel like you never spend enough time with your kids, and never have the energy to cherish the time you do share. This creates a vicious cycle of self-blame – we start picking ourselves to pieces until we hit rock bottom.
Managing crisis
Take care of yourself
Whatever your circumstances, it is important to seek out professional support when it all becomes too much.
Arrange an appointment with your GP to discuss your crisis and possible treatment options. They may recommend a counsellor, community support group, natural therapist or prescription medication. While some of these treatments might not be your cup of tea, your doctor can work with you to tailor a program that suits your needs.
On a smaller scale, it is also important to take care of yourself in the day-to-day. Try to eat a balanced diet, get some fresh air and devote a window of time daily to something that you enjoy.
Although finding time to get to the doctor or to squeeze in a chapter of your book before bed may seem like a waste of precious moments, these actions are essential to your recovery. As your sense of well-being improves, so too will your outlook on parenting – a positive for you and your kids.
Seek practical assistance
If you are in crisis, make sure you investigate your eligibility for assistance with issues relating to areas like accomodation and financial problems.
The Australian Government offers a Crisis Payment as well as other allowances to people affected by different kinds of life changing events. There are also a range of emergency shelter and accommodation options across the country available through Lifeline’s support finder . This tool can also be used to find free counselling and support services.
Closer to home, it is also important to remember the generosity of your friends when you are in a crisis – don’t be ashamed to enlist their help. Some of your friends may not be aware of your situation, or fear stepping on your toes by offering their time. Swallow your pride and ask for assistance with meals, school pick-ups or homework duty.
Easing your load a little can have a great affect on your well-being – not only because there is one less thing on the to-do list, but also because you will feel less isolated in your struggle to hold it together. After all, you would do the same for them!
Work smart – not hard
Regardless of how much help and support you receive, you will still struggle to find enough hours in the day to get to everything on your list. As such, it is important to be strategic about what you can handle. Re-examine your priorities as a parent and focus on what you view as really important. Sure, you may end up eating a frozen meal for dinner now and again, but if the trade-off is more quality time with your kids, it’s worth it.
Talk to your boss
Bringing concerns about your personal life into the workplace is confronting – for starters, it means admitting to others that there is a problem. As daunting as the conversation with your boss can be, you may be surprised by just how much they can help. You may be able to arrange more flexible working hours, or use some of the sick leave you have accumulated. Even taking yourself off a big project in favour of less stressful duties will make you feel much better. Chances are, your employer will appreciate your transparency as well.
Be open with your kids
Kids are perceptive – they know that something isn’t right when you are in crisis. Rather than creating a barrier between you through silence, be honest with your children about your struggle. By telling your kids the truth, you will give them the opportunity to ask questions, to help, and to figure out what is going on. Even small children can understand that mum or dad isn’t feeling very well at the moment, and that they might need a helping hand every now and then.
