After a life changing event, there are likely to be certain topics that are tentative. That, regardless of your maturity or patience, will push your buttons.

Sometimes, the button-pusher in your life is someone you barely know who rubs you the wrong way unintentionally.

More often, the ones to push your buttons are those close to you, who know you inside-out and understand exactly what it takes to transform you from cool, calm and collected into a raving lunatic. These button-pushers find perverse enjoyment in manipulation, and may even try to use your struggles to their own advantage.

Why do these buttons strike such a chord within you? And how can you control the urge to jump down the throat of whoever has put pressure on them? Read on.

How to push your buttons

We all know the feeling of instant insanity that takes over when someone – either deliberately or unintentionally — says something that hits too close to home. Your emotional buttons are exactly these touchy topics.

Usually, your buttons originate from your own values and life experiences. For example, being a lone parent can make you reactive to anyone who suggests that single parents do an inferior job to couples. In this case, your reaction to someone pushing your buttons is totally justifiable – you give that idiot a piece of your mind and tell them a thing or two about good parenting!

But sometimes, the sensitivity of certain topics can cause you to overreact, and say or do things that you may later regret. Remember that time you threatened to leave your partner when they washed the colours with the whites? Yep…that.

When others push your buttons, it is important to find a balance between defending your values and tearing the other person to shreds.

Reacting without regret

Although your automatic reaction when someone pushes your buttons is to give back as much as you have been dealt, this defense mechanism can lead to a fallout that isn’t worth the fleeting gratification that comes with giving someone a piece of your mind. In fact, becoming emotional may even be exactly what your button-pusher wants you to do.

As such, it is important to be aware, get perspective and to set boundaries before jumping down your button-pusher’s throat.

Be aware of your buttons

We all have our own sensitive areas – one of my buttons is pressed when someone is rude to my loved ones. Sure, give me a shove at a concert or jump in front of me in line – I’ll cop it on the chin and trust that karma will get you in the end. But do the same to my friends or family? I see red.

So, what do your buttons look like?

Do you threaten death upon anyone who speaks ill of your kids? Do you act as though a friend has stabbed you in the knee when they are 10 minutes late for lunch? Do you want to pour hot coffee on anyone who bags Jennifer Lawrence?

Staying calm when someone pushes your buttons it is made that bit easier by simply having awareness of your touchy areas and understanding where they originate from (no, you’re not crazy!). As a bonus, this awareness has practical applications – if you notice conversation going into dangerous territory, you can do your best to steer it in a more neutral direction.

Get perspective

This step is all about assessing if there was any malice behind the actions of the other party: did the person who pushed your buttons do so deliberately, or was it just an innocent mistake?

For example, how was the shop assistant to know that you are struggling with the a recent separation when she asked how your day had been? Although mistimed, questions like this can have an emotional impact that the asker did not intend or foresee. As difficult as it is to quash your anguish, reacting to unintentional remarks like this can only do more harm than good and leave you with regret later: it is best to walk away.

On the contrary, you may notice that someone close to you deliberately presses your buttons to gain an advantage during confrontation. For example, your partner might bait you with comments about your past in an argument to make you emotional. Again, reacting to the button-pusher can have negative impacts that far outweigh the immediate satisfaction of letting it all hang out.

Set boundaries

Intentional or not, it is important to set boundaries when someone pushes your buttons. If a co-worker seems to be running with assumptions about your family that make you flinch every time they mention “husband”, politely explain that you would prefer not to talk about anything family related. This explanation doesn’t need to be accompanied by a 9 page list of details about why family is off-limits – any reasonable person will take this boundary on board and continue as if nothing has changed.

When someone close to you deliberately tries to push your buttons to gain an advantage in a confrontation, calmly clarify that you are aware of what they are doing and that their tactics are not on. As a friend or family member who has been entrusted with your vulnerabilities, they ought to be respectful of your feelings. If they can’t respect this position of trust and continue to overstep the boundaries, it may be time to leave that relationship behind.

While gratifying, reacting to a button-pusher isn’t always worth it. Stay calm, remain in control and evaluate the situation before reacting.