Every parent envisions a life for their child that usually involves the nuclear family structure: a husband and wife, 2.5 kids and a dog, living in a house with a white picket fence.
While we know that this isn’t going to go exactly to plan, we still long for our children to live safe and happy lives.
When your child comes out, these aspirations can feel like they have been ripped from beneath you in a number of ways. The future that you had thought your child had in front of them can feel very different; they may be subject to prejudice and discrimination – both socially and according to the law – and can face everyday struggles that you previously hadn’t considered as part of their future.
When coupled with conflicting values and beliefs, these worries are enough to cause inner turmoil on any parent’s behalf.
Here are our tips for supporting your child through the coming out process, and for maintaining a level head yourself.
I have conflicting beliefs
In certain religious and social corners, homosexuality and bisexuality are not accepted. If you belong to one of these groups, you may experience a great crisis in terms of both your religious and social identity when your child comes out.
Attempting to reconcile your beliefs with your love for your child is a trying process.
Just as your child has had the chance to question and accept their sexuality before your conversation, you will need your own time to make peace with your beliefs – and that is okay.
Nonetheless, as you do your soul searching, remember that sexuality is not a choice, nor is it dependent upon a child’s upbringing – neither a child or a parent is to ‘blame’. Your child is also exactly the same person as they were before they told you. They still have the same interests, still dislike the same foods, still love you and still need your acceptance and support.
Pushing your child away in such a crucial time could be the worst mistake you ever make.
No matter what, you need to be there for your child; to tell them that you love them, care for them and would go around the world twice for them. Your responsibility as a parent must ultimately come before all other conflicts with values and beliefs.
I feel like I was the last to know
A common emotion experienced by parents of LGBT kids is disappointment that your child didn’t come to you first with their thoughts – often, parents feel as though they were the last to know.
Even when kids are sure that their family will accept their sexuality, a history of discrimination still creates a debilitating fear of losing loved ones because of sexual preference.
As a result, people who come out usually ‘test the waters’ with friends before telling their family. This helps them get used to having the tricky conversation, to being comfortable in their own skin, and ensures that they know they have someone to fall back on – just in case things turn pear shaped.
Of course, this doesn’t quell the hurt or betrayal you may feel when a friend knew about your child’s sexuality before you did. However, don’t view this as your child distrusting or disliking you, or trying to punish you in any way.
Ninety percent of the time, telling others before family is simply a defense mechanism.
How will friends and extended family react?
Another concern you may harbour for your child surrounds the reaction of friends and extended family.
In fact, you may feel like you have been placed in your own position of ‘coming out’, in that over time you will need to tell other family members and friends about your child as well.
Generally, others will react according to how you approach the conversation. If you make it clear that you love your child unconditionally and that they are still the same person in your eyes, others will take this cue and treat you and your child no differently – or at least take the hint to keep their prejudices to themselves.
If a negative confrontation does arise, make sure that you have your child’s back – there is no relationship more valuable than that between you and your kids.
I am worried for my child’s safety and happiness
As a parent, your primary concern will always be your child’s well-being. Finding out that your child is gay can introduce a new world of worries for their safety and happiness.
It is common knowledge that gay young people are more likely be victims of bullying at school and to suffer from mental illnesses like anxiety and depression.
However, despite these statistics, LGBT people are increasingly accepted in Australian society, and are close to achieving equal rights under Australian law. While your child may face discrimination as a part of the LGBT community, being open about who they are is the only way they will find true happiness, love and fulfillment in life.
They will face struggles, but this is ultimately better than living a lie.
Where can I find support after my child comes out?
Listed below are the main support groups for parents of LGBT people in Australia:
PFLAG: http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/
Way out: http://www.wayout.org.au/information/parents
Rainbow Bridge: http://rainbowbridge.org.au/supports/for-parents-with-lgbt-children/
Your relationship with your child should be your number one priority. Make sure that their coming out experience brings you closer together, rather than pushing you apart. Your child’s sexuality is no big deal – don’t make it one.
