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Hi Julie,
My husband and I separated amicably almost two months ago. It was a long time coming and for the best, but we have 2 primary school age children who are still confused by the whole situation. Since my husband moved out, the kids have been, for the most part, living with me. He is a very good father and loves the kids as much as I do…I just don’t know how custody will work out down the track. I can’t shake this ominous feeling that something is going to go wrong. What should I do? – Deb
Hi Deb,
There’s no doubt that separation is made more difficult when kids are involved. It sounds like you are each loving parents who ultimately want the best for your children.
I’m going to address this question in two parts.
First of all, your children’s confusion.
The best advice I can give you when it comes to separation is to be straightforward, honest and age appropriate with your kids.
Especially when your relationship was low-conflict, young children can struggle to understand why their parents are no longer together. As far as they could tell, everything was fine one day and in pieces the next.
When you speak to your kids, it’s important to avoid metaphors like “Dad’s going on a trip for a while.” Doing so sets up the expectation that everything will soon return to the way it was. Instead, tell children the truth in an age appropriate way. Let them know that mum and dad won’t be living together anymore, but reassure them that they can still see and speak to each of you whenever they need to. Emphasise that no one – especially your kids – were to blame for this, and that your separation in no way reduces the love that each of you hold for them. In short, just tell the truth.
Although it’s been almost two months, it’s not unusual for your kids to still be a bit confused. They likely have a lot of questions for you…even if they aren’t asking them. For this reason, make sure you check in with your children regularly. Ask how they are feeling or if they have anything they need to say. You may need to probe a little bit or explain the same thing ten times over. All you can do is be patient and let your kids work it out in their own time.
Part Two: Custody Issues.
After an amicable split, shared parenting can run smoothly in the short term – your are both trying to make the transition as simple as possible for your kids. However, as long term agreements start to be considered, your separation can move into not-so-simple territory.
My first piece of advice for you is to get your present residential agreement in writing, now. This can be easily done using our shared parenting planner. Doing so may feel forward or unnecessary when things are going well. But in the event that any issues arise down the track, you’ll each immediately have a document to support you.
I also recommend contacting a lawyer as soon as possible. Again, this isn’t out of malice or distrust, but instead a purely protective measure. In an initial consultation, a lawyer will be able to outline your rights, responsibilities and can likely predict fair settlement and custody outcomes. This will give you an idea of where your future is headed and allow you peace of mind.
For everyone’s sake, I do hope that the ominous feeling in your gut proves to be incorrect. But when it comes to situations like these, your instinct is often right.
With every good wish,
Julie
