Photo Credit: Mike Baird
Helping a loved one through a life changing event is just as difficult as experiencing a life change yourself.
You want to put a giant band-aid over the situation and fix your loved one’s life. You feel helpless.
What can you say to your friend whose marriage dissolved? Whose sister died? Who was made redundant?
What gesture can you possibly perform that won’t seem trivial by comparison to their situation?
Most sites will return a theoretically-helpful-but-essentially-vague answer: “To help your friend, just be present”. But what does that mean? How does one “be present”? We need solutions, people – not more questions!
Here are our tips for helping a loved one through a life changing event.
What to do:
Provide a listening ear
The shock of a life changing event can be overwhelming – many people will struggle to comprehend what has taken place. Your friend is likely to need to talk through their situation repeatedly to truly absorb what has happened. Don’t interpret this repetition as dwelling on sadness, and think twice before changing the topic of conversation. Your loved one will need a sounding board – just listen. Even if this means hearing the same details ten times over.
Contribute ideas
While you may not have experienced a circumstance similar to that of your loved one, it is okay to offer an opinion. You would value their view if the situation was reversed, right?
Avoid phrases like “I know how you feel”, “I understand” or “It’s all part of the universe’s plan”. These can seem patronising and may prompt hostility from your friend. Instead, use open questions like “have you thought about it in this way?” or “how do you think that would work?”.
When helping a loved one, don’t be offended if they don’t take your advice on board. Everyone copes in different ways. They will pull through in their own time.
Offer practical help
At the best of times we can struggle to taxi the kids around and keep the fridge stocked. Doing so when your life has been turned upside down often feels impossible. Helping your loved one practically will lift a great burden from their shoulders. Some ways you can help include:
- Dropping over a meal for them to pop in the freezer
- Picking up some groceries
- Dropping off or picking up the kids from school
- Helping the kids with homework
- Driving your loved one to and from any important appointments
- Taking care of their pets
Sometimes people won’t want to ask for help, or will be too disoriented by their life changing event to track exactly what they need. You can make life easier for your loved one by prompting them:
- “I’m headed to Woolies – did you need me to pick up a chook for tea?”
- “Target have a sale on kid’s PJS. What size is Laura?”
- “I’m taking Jake from school to soccer tomorrow afternoon – do you want me to drop Laura home on my way past?”
Helping a loved one with the little things can make a big difference.
What not to do:
Don’t ignore the situation.
It is easy to fall into the trap of “acting normal” around your loved one. This is the best way to instil a sense of normality into their life, right? Wrong. Not mentioning a major life event can create a major barrier in an instant. Acknowledge that they are in a tough situation; give credence to the fact that they are struggling. Not doing so may cause resentment on behalf of your loved one (“Aren’t they going to ask how I’m feeling?!”) and will introduce a giant elephant into the room.
Don’t become over-involved.
When helping your loved one, make sure you don’t suffocate them with too much attention. We all need a shoulder to lean on, but we need our own time as well.
Think twice before becoming too involved in any legal matters, even if you are a qualified attorney. While it is handy having someone close to you help out, any disagreements or conflicts that arise out of legal proceedings could place strain on your personal relationship.
Don’t run yourself down.
When helping a loved one through a life changing event, it can be easy to take on their problems as your own. Running yourself into the ground won’t do you or your loved one any good down the track. Take a step back and reflect on your own life if you become too invested in the situation, and talk to a significant other about how you are feeling. It is not trivial to be affected personally by a loved one’s problems: in fact it is a sign of how much you love them. Take care of yourself – for your friend’s sake, as well as your own.
At Clarity Road, we would like to say a warm thank you to anyone helping a loved one through a life changing event. It is your support that will keep your loved ones going, and that will give them the fire to pull through.
The Clarity Road Team
